I looked up what my name meant. I have two first names: Vaughn Emerson. So after a lazy search through Google, apparently “Vaughn,” which is of Welsh origins, means “Small.” And “Emerson,” which is of Old English origins, means “Power.” So I’m Small Power. I am of lesser strength. Great!
I don’t want to believe that our names determine our future and/or defines who we are, but I often do feel weak and useless and inadequate. Maybe it’s because I’m a pessimist with low self-esteem. Or I’m always depressed. Or I’m just an idiot.
Anyway, hi guys. I do apologize for the lack of new posts. I have been really busy. My last year of uni has begun which means it’s time for the proverbial boss battle, which is my undergrad thesis.
I’ve only just begun and I’m already stressed and frightened of failure. Which sucks because anxiety is leading me to self-doubt and self-deprecation, which are often topics of my humor. I make fun of these things to try and shrink them down to better deal with them. And often it does work. But they’re still what they are and they are ever present.
Anyway, no one calls me “Vaughn Emerson.” I often only introduce myself as just “Vaughn.” It’s a bit easier to say (less syllables) and easier to write (less letters) – which could be my lazy nature, but I digress. So whenever people call my name, they are, in a way, calling me small.
I don’t know what this information is doing to a narcissist such as myself, but it’s probably not inflating my ego at the very least. It’s funny actually and I don’t actually feel any smaller than I really am. I am a tiny Asian man. But I am also wondering, what if I start going by my second name?
What if I just go by Emerson? And just be all about power. Emerson also means “brave” too, actually. Haha!
Will changing how I call myself, change my outlook in life? Will it make me a better person? Will it make me feel like a better person?
Actually, this thinking is ultimately shallow and flawed. But it amuses me. And I may feel weak, but I guess a little strength is better than none. And a little strength must have potential to grow. So I guess I just I got to have faith that everything will get better.
Incidentally, “Pin,” which is apparently of Vietnamese origins, means “faith.” And my last name being Pinpin, which I guess means I have twice the amount of faith. Haha!
Right now, I am deeply troubled and scared. And I may whine a lot about it and I often violently devalue myself on Twitter, but I am really hopeful. I don’t really mean most of my whining, it’s just how I vent. And I’m secretly fishing for attention.
I am just a really, pessimistic, narcissistic, angsty, melancholic, little man.